Just the Beginning (NDE Recovery Journal, part 10)
“You have been well-trained. You have all the tools you need. This was just a starting point. Just wait.”
We have a lot of new friends! WELCOME to all, whether new or seasoned (can you tell I am feeling a bit old? Because I much prefer “seasoned.” LOL).
Newbies, you will note that I write a few different types of posts. Some are portions of my recovery journal from my near-death experience (this one!), and the others are insights that God has been teaching me since I returned, true angel stories, and miracle events.
I seem to have audience members in each category, so if this post doesn’t interest you, I hope that you will check out the others. Go to my homepage, where you should find it easier to read in the categories you like the best.
Important - Thanks to those of you who are still checking on my health. I am doing much better! Please note that these NDE Recovery Journal entries were written in the days after my near-death experience. :-) Regarding the below, I am not crying now. Because, our LORD heals us, yes? Amen.
FIVE MONTHS (PLUS A FEW DAYS) AFTER NDE
I can’t sleep. At 3 AM, I am crying at our dining room table. I start reading Romans. I glance at my wind catcher in the corner of my dining room with my picture of Heaven’s gates because it provides a stark reminder of His presence.
“Remember Who you belong to, my daughter.”
I hear that and nod. Even as my cheeks flush and start burning (yes, some of us with mast cell issues even react to our own tears - isn’t that crazy?). And, oh GREAT, now they will be rashy for hours, and I will probably have to take extra allergy meds.
The corner of the dining room where the wind spinner hangs has been quiet all day. But as I read His word and cry out to Him, it starts spinning. I look up and still, watching. What’s up, my Lord? As if to add an exclamation point—it picks up speed. I thank Him for being with me, but then I just say one word. “What?”
What is He telling me?
“You’ve been well-trained. You have all the tools you need. This was just a starting point for you. Just wait and see what I have planned for you.”
Huh? Truly disturbed, I pop out of my chair and hit the kitchen for some water. And as I stand there, turning around to stare again at the wind catcher, tears still flowing, it starts spinning even harder. “What?!” I say loudly. “What? You think I should write more healing curriculum?” My hundreds of hours of survivorship, official domestic violence training, and on-the-job training start flashing through my head.
“Don’t you remember, my beloved? That book you are halfway through writing? Your advanced healing topics? The one that has things no one else is teaching.” This last part is not a question.
I shake my head quickly, maybe to clear it. And drink a whole glass of water. Then I stare out the kitchen window past our dark yard and see the neighbor’s kitchen light flicker on—then off a short time later. I am not the only one up.
Yes, the book was meant to be another step in the healing process for ladies who need more than the basic groups. When they need continued support, they come back to multiple rounds of the basic programs but often receive the same lessons. The book contains what I, as a survivor, needed to hear later in my healing process—information that seemed unavailable at the time.
And how is this even OK? I think of my employment contract. I have a non-compete for two years after leaving. But when I pull it out, I see it mostly says, “Don’t take the clients.” Of course, I wouldn’t do that. I would never want to poach people from the program that saved my life, brought me incredible healing, and saved countless others. This organization remains a very important part of my healing testimony.
The Book
When I set the manuscript down two years ago, halfway through, I discovered that I had written a Christian Living/perhaps Healing Journal/Largish-Devotional, but “programming” kept coming to mind. It felt like it needed to be a program, not just a book. Videos, groups, and more for advanced healing.
But I also never want any questions or concerns with my past employer or the Board. The book does not contain any of the organization’s material, but yes, their training seeps through my pores. It still is my lingo, my life (maybe that will change eventually? But literally, it has impacted me for 17 years now!). And my boss actually did say at one time that she would support the book within the organization when I published it. Instead, I put it aside—it didn’t feel like the right time yet.
And, of course, now there is a completely different Board in place and even more leadership changes coming up.
“Well,” my husband encourages me the next day when I share. “They can’t really have concerns if you just start with publishing the book, especially since it is from you and not their material.”
This is possibly true. Perhaps I will start working on it again. As you’ve seen in previous posts, when God tells me something, He also usually repeats it.
So I will wait and see. I know this for sure—I will not advance on “my plans” without His express permission. For my stubborn personality, this is quite a submissive act, but I am there all the way, my Lord. Whatever the work is You sent me back from Heaven to do, I will DO. Gladly.
But hey! Clarity would be great! :-)
My Last Day
Despite this enlightening conversation with God that brings great peace, the next day is really hard. It is my last day at the office, and it has become, ironically, what we teach so strongly against—oppressive. Sigh. It’s a good thing God helps me have a big sense of humor (err…and some sarcasm) most of the day. I can do this, right?
I joke with my co-workers quite a bit. Underneath, they are also very sad, I can tell. So I try to boost their spirits, along with my own. And one co-worker finally whispers, “This is so weird” because he is in charge of getting my name, email, and credentials off so many accounts and keeps having to go in and clarify things with the boss. He knows how much they all have trusted me, how I even worked for them long before I was on the payroll. Heck, I helped hire and train him. Later, he sneaks back in and whispers, “By the way, where are you going?”
I wonder if he’s thinking about coming along. “Nowhere yet,” I grin. Even if I did have a place, I suspect he needs to stay for now.
But he’s right. Weird is a huge understatement.
I initially said I would not craft a statement for the 90+ group leaders who I oversee. I feel completely miffed with even what to say. I tend to wear my emotions on my outer countenance, even when I try not to. And I figure THEY will change it all anyway. I am sure it will have to “pass inspection” from the Board.
But God changes my heart. I know some of my leaders will be upset, and I don’t want them to also leave unless God calls them to do that. I recognize that I have some influence, given by God, and respect. So, I finally land with:
It became evident a few months ago that God was moving me forward into a different arena. Since then, He has not only verified this several times but moved up the timeline that (boss) and I had planned for me to make this transition. This is an immediate change.
I want you to know that working with you all has been one of the most wonderful things about (agency). It has been my privilege to pray for you (and your gals), train you, guide you at times, and more importantly, serve alongside of you. I am so grateful for the experience of getting to know you and spending this time in your company. Thank you for this.
You are needed, and you are loved. May you choose to continue this important mission of providing healing and hope to the ladies who need you, and help spread (program) to every corner of our world. Please do not hesitate to connect with the office if you have any questions.
They Respond
Boss actually writes back with, “This is beautiful. And you are also needed and loved.”
Sigh.
It becomes painfully obvious that I cannot train the rest of them in the office on all the parts of what I’ve created my job to be before I leave. I’ve written countless instructions and how-to’s in the past few days, and we meet several times throughout the day. I know I’m leaving them in a crunch, but the environment is now so painful. Now they don’t even want me to stay. The powers-that-be just want me out.
They don’t want me. And I can’t stay. If there is any positive at all in this tough situation, at least we agree.
The boss asks if I can do some more tasks that she does not know how to do. It is 3:30. Call me slow, but I have finally figured out that they ALL are staying today until I’m completely gone (not just the bosses), and I still must pack up my office and finish the list we made of to-dos from an earlier meeting.
I have to say “no.”
But later, I offer to do the last three things this coming Monday at home, on my own time. It is now my job to leave well. I feel I am doing everything in my power to do so.
I offer to be available for texts and calls and they seem relieved. “We will for sure be contacting you,” they tell me with a hitched breath. I guess they thought I would wash my hands of it all? No, I will do what I need to do to make sure they have the tools that they need. How can I not?
I tear up slightly a few times (maybe the dust?! LOL) while packing, but I don’t let them go until I hug everyone goodbye. Then I absolutely lose it and make a silly fool of myself. Whoops. These people have been my work family for a long time as we have strived to save lives and relationships as a team. I love them and will miss them, regardless of what occurred and whatever my new marching orders will be.
In the next week or so, I pretty much text or email each of them and apologize for my extreme show of emotion.
Yes, after God brought me back there (I had an 8-month waylaid journey at one time—another story!), I thought I was supposed to be there forever.
Eddie the Dog
Hubby takes me out to dinner. As numb as I now feel, I’m glad to unwind in his helpful presence and share everything about the day. We smile and laugh, as well as lament - we gratefully at least still have us. God’s got us. The tears dry on my cheek as the server awkwardly smiles at me and then pats me on the shoulder. By the time we get home and dump all the boxes of office stuff in the dining room, couch time has never looked better. So, we leave the piles alone and watch a very old repeat of “Frasier” – laughing quite a bit.
It is the episode where Eddie the dog needs a pet psychiatrist. Poor Eddie is on the chair with his head down and won’t move, eat, or play. The psychiatrist kneels down to his level and explains that it is OK to be sad and that he is there to help them figure out why Eddie is sad. He then pulls out a personality test to do on Eddie, which, of course, the humans must complete for the dog.
But my heart breaks for little Eddie. Perhaps Eddie resigned from his job but actually feels like he was shut out, too. Aww, I love you, Eddie.
—
P.S. - We are almost HOME, my friends. Take heart. I keep adding (and have removed some) songs to that Heaven playlist on YouTube. I hope it encourages you. I’ve shed a few tears tonight listening to it, as I worshipped from my couch (in the current time period!).
P.P.S - Regarding the wind spinner picture. On the left is the artist's rendition of my gate's memory on the left, and the actual wind spinner is on the right. I might have the yellow patch reduced as it seems large compared to what I saw once it was printed on the spinner. I wanted to post the video of how cool it looks when God spins it, but I don’t currently see a way to post a video without first uploading it elsewhere.
P.P.P.S - Haven’t read my near-death experience yet? It is here, just for you.
P.P.P.P.S (haha)- The songs I added in the post are cool and pretty much recently discovered. Of course, I also added them to the Heaven playlist so that you have something to keep you encouraged and grounded in Him.
P.P.P.P.P.S (this is getting ridiculous - I had to count this time) - I know there are a lot of WRITERS here. I hope you will consider joining us at Cascade Christian Writers. People are still raving about our online spring conference, and we are busy planning our in-person summer conference in Oregon. God truly SHOWS UP at our events (go figure) each time, and I would love to spend some time there with you. <3
